BY JEROME ALMON
I was thinking, what if our 2016 Presidential comedians, who would be their comedic doppelgangers? For President Obama, it was an easy one-Chris Rock all day. Like Rock, Obama is smooth with the ladies, dropping some Al Green on Michelle to smooth over that little sex-selfie scandal in South Africa with former Danish Prime Minister, and hellafine blonde bombshell Helle Thorning Schmidt aka Gucci Helle. Rock says things that make you go, “Did he just say that?!?” While Obama does things that make you say, did he just DO that?!? Like when he just woke up one day and let a few hundred people out of jail. And to head off the next truther “Obama was born in Kenya” rumor, Obama didn’t pardon, his half-brother OJ “Hussein” Simpson and buy him a new set of cutlery with tax payer funds. If 70’s cultural icon John Shaft was a comedian, his name would Christopher Rock for sure-the swagger, the fearless attitude, the black leather coats that no one else wears. Obama, well he is John Shaft. As the line from the movie title track to “Shaft” goes, “Who’s the black private dick, that’s a sex machine to all the chicks?” Come on folks, Beyonce and Shakira ain’t frequent visitors to the White House our of patriotism, right?
Then there is Donald Trump. The Donald is a combination of hair style challenged comedian Carrot Top and the Three Stooges, all wrapped in an episode of “Jack Ass.” Sometimes you don’t even have to try, the comedy just writes itself. It’s bad enough that Trump looks like a 6′ 2″ Oompa Loompa from the Gene Wilder classic “Willie Wonka And the Chocolate Factory” with his day glow orange spray tan, but worse he acts like one. When he isn’ttalking about walling off our Mexican brothers and sisters to the South, he is quoting “facts and figures” that make Sarah Palin look like Albert Einstein. No one can ever accuse Trump letting a little thing like the truth get in the way of…well his LIES. This disease of, LYING seems to be contagious within the Trump campaign, as with his favorite floozy spokesperson, Katrina Pierson. Ms. Pierson tends to cause major Twitter dust ups on a regular basis by blaming President Obama for things like starting the Afghanistan War in 2001 when he was NOT President, and causing “millions of Americans to get killed in the Iraq War” who didn’t get killed, when President Obama was again- NOT President. Ms. Pierson and Trump’s other mic vixens have this uncomfortable 70’s porn star look about them, and based on their speaking skills, maybe they should look into that line of work, ’cause the spokesperson thing ain’t working out. Speaking of butt-naked women, if Trump wins, our First Lady will be a an immigrant, nude model, that get this folks, is either married to Donald Trump and someone else, or is in the country illegally!
Now Hillary Clinton, Ms. HBIC (that’s Head Bitch In Charge in case you didn’t know). Hillary is definitely the Amy Schumer of politics. Bold, bodacious, and as smart as they come. Amy and Hillary give you the impression they can catch a guy in a lie just like that-they both have had a lot of practice in this area. Amy Schumer’s sketches and standup routine are a lot like Hillary’s email deleting skills, Amy wrecks men with her wicked Richard Pryor and George Carlin-esque humor, and Hillary wrecks smart phones and IPADS with a hammer. The FBI stated Hillary and her crew took hammers to nearly two dozen IPADS and Blackberry’s rather than let them fall into enemy hands…you know like the FBI https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwiMjLX_ABQ.) That’s the thing that is so attractive about both ladies, they got some gangsta going on. You might not want to break up with Amy and be anywhere in her path when she is driving, God forbid one ends up under about two thousand pounds of automobile. As far as crossing Hillary, two words-Lorena Bobbitt. President Hillary Clinton, it has a ring to it, but just to be on the safe side, hide the tree snippers.
BY JEROME ALMON
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Original article: The Obama, Trump, And Clinton 2016 Election Comedy Tour.